- I should definitely not be trying to get off meds.
- A psychiatrist I’ve never met is now in charge of prescribing me things, and according to him I should be taking way more than I was.
Citalopram was the best before it puttered out, so I’m back on that but with a bigger dose than before. I’m skeptical that it’ll work long-term, but right now I feel marginally better, so that’s… something. I don’t really feel optimistic anymore. The invisible psychiatrist, however, is confident and I’m told he says “GOOD PROGNOSIS” a lot.
Second semester started earlier this week and I’m still at home, nowhere near Dunedin. In fact, I’m studying long distance until I’m properly sorted – I’m also a part-time student now, just so I can get my two full year papers out of the way. At some point I’ll get to sit a special examination for the Wills & Trusts paper, and hopefully soon I’ll find out what happens with the Jurisprudence terms test I’d also missed (I am not sitting that paper a fourth time, k). Part of me doubts that I’ll ever make it back to Dunedin at all. Hah!
Such is my life right now, if you were interested in a proper update on me and my crazies. Apologies it’s not something more cheerful! Dear reader, please appreciate how you can work or study or even arrange to meet up with friends without a problem. Try to ignore my jealousy.
My first exam in over a year..
I have one exam on the 20th and nothing to do until then but study. Sometimes I think “NOOO I HATE EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE EXAMS“, but as I’m trying to figure out what a Re Denley-style trust is compared to a charitable one (one has identifiable beneficiaries whereas the other doesn’t, even though they’re both geared towards a “purpose” rather than actual beneficiaries? Who even knows), I can’t help thinking “CAN THIS BE MY JOB PLEASE“. The no-longer-resentful corner of my brain then tries figuring out possible logistics of getting a job that’d pay for me to stay at university foreverrrr without needing a student loan. Mother despairs at my new life plan.
On withdrawing from escitalopram
Per doctor’s orders, I’m down to a half a pill. Online I often see people really struggling to get off antidepressants, but um. Nope. Overall feeling better, clear-headed and motivated. Weirdest thing, which may or may not be coincidental, is my haunted index finger. I can feel the tendons flexing without me telling them to and it twitches! :O
I make macarons with a hefty amount of Fail
Cuuuurse these picturesque things that look so simple to make. First batch were radioactive-yellow puffy meringues and they were delicious, but unworthy of the name macarons. In the second attempt, I beat the air out of the mixture and thus had green watery pancakes oozing across the baking trays. If you are Maxine and remember last year’s biscuit disaster, this was worse (!). I then accidentally left them in the oven too long, so they turned out crispy with the colours of a muddy swamp. If I ever perfect this I swear there’ll be photographic proof!
The Unoa Lusis faceplate
As in, I bought one. I don’t even know why because Unoas tend to frustrate me – they have such a potential for cute, but they have dopey eyelids. I’m going to try and get the cute juuust right by sandpapering the eyelids away (my own eyes cringe reading that sentence out of context). As for the body – I think it can share a body with ze incoming Minifee (modding and hybridding! I am a pro). Hooray, army of MSD ladies~
Good luck peoples with exams! And if you’re second year law and feeling smug about no exams, start preparing your notes for the end of the year – you’ll hate yourself if you don’t~! ♥
Apologies if this post is a little wonky. The new year has brought with it antidepressant #4 and I’m still adjusting to it. I am now trying rather hard to do that not-make-spelling-mistakes thing and whoooo concentration is not so easy as it usually is. Luckily today is the day that I also discovered the TV series Sherlock, which I picked out because I am terribly superficial and I’d rather like to marry someone with Benedict Cumberbatch’s hair. Er. Distracted.
Here’s what’s been happening lately:
- Loxamine gave me a list of things that left me disgruntled. Or a similar rumbling word with a g in it. At any rate, it wasn’t not brain-giving and made me a trifle of a zombie.
- I’m now on escitalopram, a newer form of citalopram. My doctor was perplexed at how I’m not finding my soul mate of antidepressants and called a psychiatrist friend, who promptly suggested escitalopram. Incidentally it was something I’d found via internet sleuthing that I was going to ask her about anyway! I should do psychiatry.
- It’s currently day 3 and HOLY WOAHHH I am dizzy. All the time. Not enough to faint but enough to be annoying. Makes walking and standing up particularly impossible. I get tingles through my arms and sometimes my chin is numb, it’s really fun. I also get crazy awesome dreams every night and Mum says I sparkle more so that’s gooooooood. Hoping it settles down and becomes friends with my brain.
Since it’s so difficult to concentrate I decide it was a perfect time to write a blog post. QUALITY BLOGGING.
Happy new year! I made resolutions.
- Less Coke. Think of all the money I’ll save! I’ll try to solely be a social drinker, although having said that I just know that I’ll whisk away my beloved Coke and sit in the corner telling it sweet nothings, instead of actually talking to people.
- Budgeting. Ughh, I have terrible saving habits. My thinking goes like this: “I won’t be destitute if I buy this! Do itttttt!”, followed by some ridiculous justification. The plan is to save for a specific thing before buying it, even if I know I already have the money. First on the list is a US$385 Minifee Chloe (shut up!), so hopefully that’ll teach me the “value of a dollar”.
- I will go see a therapist to keep me in check and make sure I don’t rock on back to crazy town.
- Get down to pre-crazy town weight. Turns out certain antidepressants are worse for my belly than eating like this whilst in the throes of depression.
- I will become a sewing superstar! There aren’t many clothes available guaranteed to fit Iplehouse JIDs, so if I can start like a fashion chain of doll clothing for them that’d be mint. ;D
- I want to learn real photography. I’m going to take more photos, practise, practise, practise! Only when I can take decent pictures will I travel overseas. I know you’re suposed to concentrate on “living in the moment” when out travelling, but I live to record and write about things, so.
- Donate blood as often as I can.
- Stay in uni for an entire semester. Maybe even two!
- When writing something that I can recognise as being the early scribbles of a blog post, I’ll set a deadline. If only you knew how many drafts I throw away because I left them for too long and forgot what I was going to say…!
I’m also going to pat more cats… but that’s kind of a given.
After a month of silence, that is the answer to that question literally no one is asking: “What is that hobbit doing with all her free time??”.
Allow me to sing excuses about how my prescription for this past month has sucked. Not only did sertraline lack citalopram’s spontaneous bubbliness, it even sucked away the default sparkle that should come with even the most ordinary Becka. I was a listless zombie, enthusiastic about exactly nothing (apart from how fluffy my cat is, but you know). Fun fact: I should definitely see a doctor when I’m contemplating whether to delete this blog, as it means Bad Things are on their way… and last week was particularly bad.
I’m now on loxamine. I also have cute little melatonin pills to help me sleep. Still, I’m bracing myself in case loxamine craps out on me too, which is the reason for this post. As I’ve been in a state of “mreh” for the past month I don’t have much to say (suckers!), but I wanted to give a little update on what’s been happening. If I disappear again you can assume loxamine hasn’t worked either and I’m daydreaming again about throwing myself under a train. As it is, it’s day 3, I don’t feel as AMAZING!!!!! as I did yesterday and writing this post has taken all day because my brain feels like it’s falling around all over the place ad;lkaflkj. I keep trying to proof-read this post to see if it makes sense, but I juuuust can’t concentrate long enough. Hooray.
My cat has just turned up for snuggles, so I will leave you now. She’s sprawled out on the carpet next to me, purring… and then bites me when I try petting her, wut. That generally means she only wants you to pat her head, but not today apparently! DEATH BY CAT.
P.S. Thank you for the well-wishes a month back, my mysterious google-ninja!
This semester’s been awesome. I’ve felt way better than I’ve been for the past year, and I can impulsively hang out with friends without feeling like I’m dying inside. However…!
My wimpy brain isn’t yet what it should be. Not all surprising, since Law readings have been tricky since the beginning of the semester. Words morph into garbled symbols. I can’t focus. It’s not mattered because I only have two days a week with lectures… and I’ve lacked the motivation to care hurrr. Enter ridiculously easy test which had my brain turning inside out trying to study properly. That plus an inability to study more than two hours a day total = DEATH.
So since things are still iffy I withdrew from uni again. Another battle plan will be sorted with my doctor soon… to be honest, I had the feeling she preferred I put uni off until next year anyway. Ultimately, the protesting grey sludge that is my brain needs more time to get better and despite how frustrating that is, it’s not like you can “man up” and push through this crap without making it worse instead.
Until university starts up again next year I don’t want to mooch around as an unproductive member of society. ;D It doesn’t kill me to leave my room this time, so I’m staying in Dunedin to volunteer (mmm, fuzzy feelings). I’ll study a little Japanese to gauge how I’m doing without any real pressure, too. Also because if I don’t study I’ll die.
That’s the worst part: I keep thinking, “If I’m not at university, what will I do? OOOOOH LET’S STUDY SOMETHING, IT’LL HELP FOR NEXT YEAR I SWEAR. GOD I NEED TO STUDY I NEED IT SO BAD“, and have to tell myself off. It’s distressing wanting to leaaarrrn and not being able to! In the meantime I’m gonna have to keep searching for my brain’s “ON” button instead. Anyone want to join the search team?