How to be a fashion blogger

Secretly, I am a 15 year old girl who likes scrutinising people’s outfits.

This is why I watch Fashion Police on E!. Whenever I can. Which is whenever I remember, which is never. Though in my defence: I do not like the leathery, blond lady who thinks herself witty for declaring someone looks like a dyke. Joan Rivers? Yes. Her. After shouting everyone down with some “hilarious comments”, she and some other randoms pick apart outfits, deciding what works and why, and what should have been done to rescue the outfit (omg!). It’s quality TV, and I like it.

….Yes I “haz a dumb”, but we knew this already!

I also take this love of ~FASHION OMG~ to the internet, and used to have a couple of fashion blogs that I subscribe to. Thing is, there aren’t any that I like in particular, apart from Fashion Bloggers, Why!?, which hasn’t been updated in yonks. This is because all fashion blogs have these in common:

• Pigeon-toed (THERE WILL BE PIGEON TOEEESSSS.)
• In fact, classic pretend-model pose = Hands on waist + pigeon-toed + head down, in PIGEON TOE admiration. Laughing to yourself is optional (because PIGEON TOES are funny). Just so long as you look weak and demure! I hate this to death.
• Outfits that would look ridiculous in real life AND/OR outrageous sluttiness.
• Locations: Slouching against a brick wall, sitting in a meadow, or frolicking through a field. If you are aware you will never be a real model you’ll just be in your room or in front of your house. Or walking down a street, looking over your shoulder.
• All photos involving a meadow will have a washed-out pink haze, to trick people into thinking that your faux vintage clothes came out of the 1930s.
• For some inexplicable reason you will like typewriters, polaroids, and cupcakes.
• You’ll also post repetitive shots of silly model-esque expressions, but visitors won’t be able to see any different angle of your outfit.
• It’ll be hosted on Blogspot, despite its inferiority to WordPress. (…I am biased.)

There should really be a FASHION BLOGGER BINGO. But I’m lazy.

This is a lazier version of /fa/

So there are things I know about omg fashioonn that others don’t. It’s even worse that it’s me who knows it – there’s a reason there aren’t photos of how OMG TRENDY I am on here (cos I’m not lol). Never mind it’s because I don’t want people knowing where I am on the internet. It’s bad enough someone I’ve been avoiding since the end of 2006 is following me on Twitter – stop stalking me, kthx.

…Anyway. Watch me put off law readings.

1. If you’re wearing a green top, and then think “OH HEY, I’LL WEAR GIANT GREEN EARRINGS”, you’re doing it wrong. Why are you so matchy-matchy?
2. Don’t have more than one piercing in each ear, unless you otherwise dress like you’re into scaring people with how dark and edgy you are.
3. Tights: still not pants. They still forget this in Dunedin.
4. Leggings: wear them like tights. The top you’re wearing with them should come down to mid-thigh at least (as in, I don’t want to see your ass in them..). Also, “leather” leggings are hideous.
5. I don’t like boys wearing 80s style hoodies, print tees and bright baseball hats.

I get a lot of time to watch people. Mostly I’m looking for ideas of how to save my own pathetic style, but it’s the horrific things that stick with me…

but here are things i like seeing

1. Paisley and argyle. Though not together.
2. Scarves.
3. Boys in scarves. They’re cuuuuute, and I’m not sure why. It’s even better when they’re wearing argyle, but boys in scarves and argyle are a myth, and for this reason alone I will never find true love.
4. Grey and black striped tops. Also outfits that are strictly grey and black.
5. Strangely enough I don’t like when boys have one ear pierced, but then when both ears are pierced I don’t mind. They can also get away with more piercings than girls. Check out my double standards. Ooh yeah.
6. Super dark brown, long, straight hair. Pretty much, the opposite of my hair. Woe.
7. Suede boots are hot, especially if they’re grey. I want them. I want them so bad.
8. Tights that come in patterns! As are turquoise leggings in an otherwise black outfit – other colours have failed to impress me.