The antibiotics weren’t working (an infection it clearly wasn’t), and she had all but stopped eating. One particularly horrifying day I found that beneath all that fur I could feel the lumps and bumps of her ribs in great detail. Baby cat was wasting away. So. Yeah. A month ago the vet came to help her out one last time.
While the vet listened for her heart to stop beating, she noted that it was surprisingly strong and if not for the tumour Blackberry would have lived a long time. Then quietly, “She’s gone’, and I saw all colour and light had vanished from my cat’s eyes.
We buried her in the vast wasteland of weeds and stones surrounding our house. One day we will get around to prettifying the place, and when that happens the eventual garden is going to be planned around her, with blossom trees, catnip, and bird baths. Mum talks about teasing my poor dead cat, but I secretly think we need to start making amends to the local bird population.
I never noticed until now how often I looked around for her out of habit. If I notice something small and dark on my bed, love swirls inside my chest only for me to look again and realise it’s just some clothes. When I get out of the shower I automatically check to see if my door has been cracked open by Blackberry pushing her way into my room while I was gone. At night, part of my attention still seeks out little noises that might hint at a cat that wants to come inside.
She was pretty important to me. It’s only now that she’s not here that I’ve realised just how much – when I didn’t have the energy to maintain friendships she was my buddy in her perfectly low maintenance sort of way.
Apart from a lot of ugly crying when they put her down, I’ve been more or less okay with it (DOES THIS MAKE ME A BAD PERSON). Rather, I only feel really lucky and happy that she chose us as her family, and I know that because of how great she was I’m going to love the hell out of lots more cats. It’s in honour of her and all the other cats I’ve loved that I will stay a cat lady 5ever.
GO HUG YOUR PETS OK
I went to the psychiatrist
Turned up at 1pm without having slept the day before. Managed to stay normal during the hour and a half session. Filled in questionaires with silly names like ZUNG (I do not have bipolar, anxiety or ADD, but I do have depression and social anxiety. Wow!). My psychiatrist is a small old man with a soft voice, and he was surprised that I’d only been on antidepressants of the SSRI variety. I am now on a tricyclic called dothiepin. I take six pretty red capsules every day and I feel badass downing them in one gulp every morning.
…Only they don’t work, and dothiepin makes me a horribly grouchy person to be around.
Beloved GP has balked at the above dosage, saying something like HALVE THAT NO WONDER YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP. Incidentally, in the past couple of hours I have been feeling better than I have in days. I still need to avoid my family and I occasionally totter on the verge of tears bUT OH MY GOD I AM FEELING BETTER IT’S A MIRACLE.
Update: It’s been a few hours since publishing this post, but I’ve been feeling increasingly normal with every hour. In fact, it is 6.46am on Christmas morning and I feel great~! PERFECT TIMING. My doctor is a genius.
Blackberry went to the vet (again)
The steroid injection made her appear healthier again. No more snoring or snuffling! After taking lots of pictures and making lots of videos, we decided to at least confirm her lumpy nose’s tumour-y nature before putting her down. The injection had also worked so well that we were prepared to keep giving it to her every couple of weeks – it’d probably give her a few extra months, rather than the few weeks we thought we had.
But remember how we first went to the vet thinking it was an innocent infection? A couple of days after that injection had been administered, discharge started oozing from her nose. Our vet is excited about this development – it might just be an infection after all (PLEASEEEE). Well. That, or a secondary infection that came about because steroids also lower a kitty immune systems (IT’S NOT ALLOWD TO BE THIS ONE). She was given another steroid injection and also anti-biotics. We will see what happens.
Writing is hard when you’re a crazy person, so here endeth a quick update post. Have a very happy Christmas tomorrow! ♥
A couple of months ago when my cat’s nose swelled up and ruined her elegant profile, I promised Mum I’d be the one to decide she’s suffering too much. We are a family that jumps the worst possible conclusions. That night I looked at my sleeping kitty and thought, “MAN CAT, YOUR LIFE IS IN MY HANDS RIGHT NOW. HOW ARE YOU NOT UNNERVED BY THIS.”
The bumpy nose went down, but the snuffles and snoring continued. In the last couple of days one eye started getting weepy and that creepy third eyelid wouldn’t go down. To the vet!
Without a fight we placed her in a green cage. In the car she tried meowing her distress at an impressive 0.5 decibels. A good attempt for her! She’d also open her mouth to breathe because she was so stressed. Fears about her hyperventilating and fainting aside, she looked like a hissing snake and I didn’t know whether this was funny or not.
The vet noted there was no discharge, her nose is still a little swollen, and one nostril just doesn’t work. When she prodded around one eye it wouldn’t squidge back into her skull like the other would. She’s got a tumour.
Then followed a steroids injection to take down the swelling for the next few weeks. She hated it and yelped and – despite being limp with fear – tried wriggling away to the point where the vet needed a nurse to wrestle her down to the table. She also panicked when the thermometer went up her butt (OH MY GOD MY POOR BABY).
At home she devoured all the cat snacks I gave her (lol dat stress eater ♥), and spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on my bedroom floor, looking out the window. I’m glad she’s forgiven us so easily.
We’re not going to run her through diagnostics to see what kind of cancer it is. No chemo. No regular injections or tablets to make it “easier” for her either, because it’ll cause more stress than good – the last time I tried forcing a worming tablet down her throat, she avoided me afterwards and it was awkward between us for hours. There’s no way in fuck that I’m dragging out her life, though. I don’t want to call it too quickly, but I don’t want her to suffer even the tiniest bit. She probably has a killer headache as it is.
Other related things
- The vet thought this thirteen year old cat looked about six or seven. I ALWAYS SAID SHE LOOKED GOOD FOR HER AGE. Fuck yes, you good lookin’ cat.
- Now I can feed her all the cat snacks I damn well like. #YOLO, my dear kitten.
- As we toook her back to the car I thought, “WHAT AM I EVEN GOING TO BLOG ABOUT NOW.” Srsly, 50% of the blog is about my cat.
- And what am I supposed to smother with my love, now??
- We’re not getting a replacement cat because my dad hates cats. I don’t know how I could be related to him. We wouldn’t have ever had cats if my granddad hadn’t turned up one day with two kittens because HIS GRANDCHILDREN ARE HAVING CATS, DAMMIT.
- I’ve noticed depression sucks a lot more than the “lol your cat gon’ die” sads. So that’s… good? It’s nothing I can’t handle, at least.
- I might have taken advantage of today to make Mum give me Coke. HAH.
- WHERE ARE WE EVEN GOING TO BURY HER. WE DON’T HAVE A GARDEN. NOT EVEN A LAWN. WE JUST HAVE A WASTELAND OF DEAD WEEDS.
- I need to make a video of her walking because her bloomers are precious.
- I made a video a couple of nights ago of her snoring, and I was going to upload it to the blog and be like lol you guise she’s so adorbs. That seems so fucking morbid now – you know what’s causing that adorable snore? HER INEVITABLE DEMISE.
STOP MAKING JOKES GOSH THIS IS SERIOUS.
- I have no tissue box, so instead I sniffle into my roll of toilet paper whenever I look over my shoulder at Blackberry. I am going to miss her, but it’ll be okay. I am very, very glad that I have known her and that we rescued her all those years ago.
Inspired by Review Of My Cat. All up, I think she’s been an adequate cat so far.
Looks like fluffy Coca Cola. Tail is of supreme fluffiness. Fur goes grey in times of stress. Back legs are silly and so fluffy that compared with her tiny ankles she looks like she’s wearing bloomers. Small stature. Elegant profile. Exceptionally pointy ears. Super triangley head beneath fur.
Rolls on the ground in front of strangers and goes hey hey hey. Rarely talks though, and must trick cat into wanting to hang out with you – do not pursue cat, but rather one must go outside on the steps and look mysterious.
Meows when surprised at something and gets all “WHAT. WHAT JUST HAPPENED HEY”. Otherwise pretends to meow by opening her mouth at you (usually when going “hurry upppp and let me in/feed me”). Makes miserable gurgling noise at 6am when lonely.
Messy: Interrupts sleep at approx 3.30am when wants to go out. Takes food out of food bowl and eats off floor. Has torn up (new and expensive!!) carpet outside my door wanting to get in. Paw prints on all the glass from banging on it to come in.
But: Does eat crumbs off kitchen floor and patrols around the dining room table just in case.
Mostly: Fulfils daily need for cuteness, which makes up for everything else.
Peak huggability is at inconvenient 5am and 7.30pm, accompanied by unpredictable drooling. Does not like being picked up. Does not like sitting on my lap. Does not like me petting her belly. Sometimes does not even like me patting anything but her head, and will keep biting until I figure out precisely how she wants her head to be petted.
However: Exceptionally tolerant when I wake her up for cuddles. Purrs when I go to bed and don’t kick her out which is SO CUTE (plus she’s learned that she’s allowed to stay if she doesn’t take up half the bed – it’s a miracle.)
Today’s post is brought to you by Wendy ~inspiring me to blog~. Let me pretend that life has been super exciting and full of sparkles, hence misleading you into thinking I’m definitely not spending my entire summer holiday on Reddit.
Oh my god, Reddit is so much worse at sucking your life away than Tumblr. I mean, what?
I trick cats to snuggle into boxes.
I put a couple of boxes on the decking just in case Blackberry wanted some shade on a scorcher of a summer day. Summer sucks. Til forever. I have the feeling my cat feels the same way.
Warning: irrelevant cat lady rambling. Today she caught a yellow bird. To get everyone’s attention she made muffled trilling noises only to be kicked out of the house. Not wanting her to feel bad (especially since it takes a Big Deal to make her meow), I watched her eat it. The sound of crunching bones will haunt me forever. Acck, such a vicious cat, I can never look at her the same way again.
My mummy made a birthday cake.
My mum finally made Baby Sister a birthday cake (sort of). This is to make up for the one she owed a few years back – remember how she makes pretty birthday cakes? This is why we don’t let her get away with it! It’s also why I don’t feel like I could possibly be ready to be a mother unless I also had mad cake-making skills.
I had a lot of fun watching her panic around the kitchen trying to get this finished before Baby Sister came home. Then I scribbled on the bench in a white fudge pen. It totally looks like the cat in the top photo DON’T LIE.
…I’m still waiting on my 22nd birthday cake, by the way. Just saying.
Then I tried making panda cupcakes
Such derpy looking pandas… panderps, if you will. What’s even more sad is that these were the best ones from all my experimenting. Blame the oreos. They’ll take any opportunity to crumble on me, those tricksy biscuits. At the very least I’m quite happy to have found a new favourite recipe for vanilla cupcakes in Divine Cupcakes – they’re fluffy and not overly sweet, meaning you can eat more before feeling sick, yussss! The author runs a cupcake shop in Wellington. Cupcakes and Wellington, how perfect does that sound!? Clearly I need to visit… and maybe beg to work there lolol.
SURPRISE, MORE CATS – srsly, whose blog did you think you were reading.
Bought from Hey Chickadee!, and I just found this kitty has a tumblr too. Sometimes I think it looks like a giant lollipop is attached to the cat, but that’s too friggin precious to be considered a flaw. Where would it go if your cat was strapped to a balloon? :O Mine would probz become a menace to the skies. OH GOD FLY AWAY BIRDIES, FUZZY DEATH IS FLOATING YOUR WAAAAY-
PS, you gorgeous law students
I think it’s around this time that invites for second year law come out. If you are one of the anxious people hovering by your mail boxes, I have my fingers crossed super hard!