On how I’m such a grown-up

This is a draft I found from late last year, and I can’t resist posting it – though you can probably guess why I held off back then. ;D What was I on??

I am so super mature now that I’ve been living alone and fending for myself. Going out and hunting/gathering my own food means I pretty much live on bagels now (COOKING IS FOR THE WEAK). Still, this year I’ve learned many wise things, like when the pineapple rings are all gone and the can is woefully empty. Being by yourself means there’s no battle against anyone to DRINK THE SYRUP. SO GOOD. SO LIBERATING.

Okay so like. Obviously I am beyond disgusting. But you know how when you go baking and you finally ice the cake and you get to lick the bowl/spatula? IT’S THE BEST PART. I had the brilliant idea that is to skip the baking part. Just eat the icing. CHOCOLATE ICING. ON A SPOON. Also no one is there to tell me not to. Or to look at me with an appalled expression. The “Becka I am so disappointed in your eating habits” look.

Also when you buy it, instead of chocolate, you don’t worry that people are judging you. That they think you sit at your computer watching Top Gear, binging on chocolate and congratulating yourself for such an excellent dinner. No, they’ll just think: OH SHE MUST LIKE BAKING. Suckers.

This also led me to the conclusion that drinking sweetened condensed milk might be a good thing. But it’s not. It’s really not. I don’t even know why I’d even think to do that, since eating chocolate icing straight makes me woozy and jittery (HELP ME I’M DYINGG).

At one point this year I also discovered that when you buy a box of Paddle Pops you can totally eat more than one. THERE IS NO ONE TO TELL YOU NOT TO. Although, on second thoughts, if I tried that at home my dad would congratulate me despite my IMMINENT DIABETES. I also discovered that my freezer was not quite cold enough for ice cream, so that didn’t really work out either. Ever eaten 8 paddle pops in one night? I have!

SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY I’M SO OUTRAGEOUSLY FAT. NOW I KIND OF KNOW.