My Cicero hangover

This is going to be an incoherent post, but I don’t care (blogging makes me think I’m productive). I know this because I tried four times to spell “incoherent” correctly. Three to spell “spell” properly.

I have a mad and unreasonably passionate love for Latin. Slight mockery makes me resent you. Praising Latin’s awesomeness makes me explode with little bubbling hearts. Studying Latin makes me crush on you. Stalk you. Consider naming my firstborn after you.

…Why am I so creepy.

However, in the last two years the most complicated Latin I’ve faced is “nemo dat quod non habet” (Property Law ftw!). Finally reunited with Latin, I was made to read a speech Cicero wrote at the peak of his career. When he wrote this, he had long been established as Rome’s best lawyer. The year before he had been consul. Meanwhile I couldn’t even remember how to recognise a gerundive – it’s true that parts of your brain rot when you stop using them.

…Luckily, it was much easier this time around to learn all 31 noun declensions, etc. Yuss~!

In this speech, Archias the Syrian poet might be thrown out of Rome because he’s been accused of not being a legal citizen. Cicero comes to the rescue with convincing legal arguments:

1. Prosecutation wants evidence that Archias enrolled as a citizen at Heraclea. The law states that he must have done this.
   Cicero: HOW DARE YOU ASK US FOR EVIDENCE WE DON’T HAVE. THIS IS SO UNREASONABLE.
2. Prosecution asserts that Archias didn’t have a permanent residence at Rome, like he needed.
   Cicero: ACTUALLY HE DID BUT I OFFER NO PROOF OF THIS. INSTEAD I WILL MOCK YOU FOR SAYING HE HAS NO A PERMANENT RESIDENCE WHEN I JUST SAID THAT HE DOES. SUCH INCOMPETENCE YOU GUYS.

There are more, but I don’t want to ~blow your mind~. Cicero then spends most of his speech ranting about how poets are magical beings (NO REALLY), and how without them society would just fall apart omggg.

The GREATEST LAWYER OF ROME, everybody!

(Also, he won.)

How miserable that in defence of such liberal arts, Cicero must emotionally declare that “ROCKS LOVE POETS, THEREFORE SO SHOULD WE”. Failing that, there’s “Well, no one ever died because I read literature!”. Archias faces the same prejudice that Arts students do today, and that is all Cicero has to defend us with. I feel so reassured.

…Now try writing an essay about Cicero’s apparent persuasiveness. Keep in mind that he apparently knew what he was doing (I remain cynical). Do it without any sense of despair. I dare you.

Worst essay ever. But I blame Cicero. Seriously, what were you on.